The Underground Devil

Tales of Retail Horror: Part 2

In 5th grade, the boys and girls of every classroom were split up and taught about puberty and the human anatomy. In middle school, the boys (and girls) discovered the Victoria's Secret catalog. In high school, our burgeoning, sponge-like minds discovered pornography. With these ample educational supplies available to us, one would think that all lessons in the female anatomy would be complete.

This assumption is clearly the sign of a feeble mind that has not worked in women's clothing retail. Exposed mainly to the leggy, lean and curvy, buxom women that cover our magazines and television sets, the concept of unpleasant visuals on the human body was completely foreign to my naive eighteen year-old-mind. That is, of course, until I started working in the wardrobing (dressing) rooms at work.

There are two ways I was so brutally exposed to these unpleasantries. Let's take a dive into those, shall we?

Number 1: You may be tan, blonde, and insanely stacked, but would you kindly wait until I leave the dressing room to remove your shirt?
I have already written about this particular woman in my first chapter on retail horror, but I feel it needs revisiting. I'm thrilled for you, ma'am, that you are so comfortable with your body. Women and girls across the world would kill for that self-confidence. So I applaud your self confidence. Unfortunately, not all of us are a. comfortable with our own bodies or b. comfortable seeing your chubby belly. Understandable, ma'am, you are were in a rush, but the 2 seconds it would have taken me to back out and shut the door would hardly have detracted from your fancy dinner plans. So, as a general tip, to everyone, some of your sales associates are prudes, and don't want to see you naked. Shocking as that may seem Ms. BlondeTanWealthy, not everyone wants to see you naked.

Number 2: The accidental nipslip.
The title of this section is no even remotely as sexy as it sounds. (Assuming you're into TiVoing nipples during large sporting events.) But not all the women who frequent the store in which I work are blessed with perfect points, if you will. An admittedly thin and well muscled middle aged woman came into the store looking for an outfit for a dinner at a country club. (That night). She was in a terrible rush, and was also terribly fickle. So for a period of time, I dashed from the floor to the wardrobing room and back handing the woman shirts and sweaters through a half open door. She bent over, her perfect flat, size 2 abs evident. But then, I saw it. In the rapid change, a certain undergarment, and a certain item had decided to breathe the fresh air. And it was not normal. And by normal, I mean the Victoria's Secret's standards to which I am accustomed. However, there is only so much a girl can take. And that, unusual item, tipped the scale. So Ms. OldLadywithahotBody please, for the love of everything good in this world, just wear the right bra when trying on clothes.

Next chapter in Tales of Retail Horror, we shall address women who overstay their welcome.

posted by A Disturbingly Cynical College Student @ 2:49 PM